Thursday, 24 June 2004

Lots of words, many being about cake at the office...
Mood:  lazy
Story 1: The Cake
I answer phones all day at work- that's pretty much all I do all day long. Occasionally, the office manager makes me send out an email to everyone in the office about some mundane thing or another. When the office manager says "Hey Gail, send out an email," I take it to mean "Hey Gail, feel free to be a smartass." I try to administer a low dose of smartassery with every email. So today, we're having cake for someone's birthday, and I send out the following email:

Good afternoon everyone,

For the June birthdays, cake will be served at approximately 2:30 this afternoon. No, I don't know what kind of cake it is. No, I cannot let you peek at the cakes. No, you cannot try to smell the cake (I already tried, and I can't tell what kind they are, either). Since I had to put the cakes in the fridge, I had to rearrange some of the fridge's contents. However, I carefully rearranged all bags and contents so that no one would have to move the cakes in order to reach his or her own scrumptious lunch. So now there is no possible reason for you to be touching the cake boxes. If I should catch anyone manhandling the cake boxes, I get to eat your piece of cake. You may now return to your regularly scheduled insurance activities. Thank you.

~Your Friendly Neighborhood Cake Nazi Receptionist

30 seconds after I send this to everyone, I get 5 replies- 2 telling me I should be a writer, 2 telling me I'm hilarious and how hard they laughed, and one telling me he'd already messed with the cake, har har. I go take my lunch, and as I'm sitting there, every person who walks by either stops to tell me how funny my email was, or just says "Cake Nazi!! BWAHAHHAHA!!" Oooookay.

AND OH MY GOD I JUST GOT HUGGED. I wandered into the room where people were setting out the cakes and plates, and I was accosted by a very large woman who bear-hugged me, covered my face with her hands and hollered "No! Don't look at the cake!" I mean, I knew she was being funny, but I must say that it is still a weee bit uncomfortable being hugged by someone I work with...

Story 2: Wretched guy I work with
Ok, let me tell you a story about this jerk (let's call him Mr. Asshat) I work with. He is 45 years old, balding, and squirrely-lookin'. He reminds me of a weasel- he's always looking for a way to take advantage of people and be all...weasely. Also, he's a control freak, and has a stick shoved so far up his ass, you can see the other end of it when he talks. He has a wife and 2 kids whom he is always being mean to and swearing at (I know this because he tells stories about it). And he just spent $45,000 on a brand new porsche. Class, can we say Middle Age Crisis?
Anyway, he talks way too much. I'm serious- he'll corner someone and bitch for an hour and a half about things like his dinner at X Restaurant last night and how the service was horrible (to him, it's ALWAYS horrible). He really likes to bitch and moan. I *wonder* how he gets any work done at all. So he corners our boss and office manager for 45 minutes about someone being parked in his space in the parking garage. 45 minutes about a goddamn parking space! It's like dude, the rest of us don't have parking spots- suck it up and park on the next floor down, you pompous asshole! So he spent 45 minutes trying to talk our boss into doing the following...

Mr. Asshat's Grand Scheme:
Buy a boot (one of those things you lock to someone's tire so they can't drive) on ebay.
When someone is in his parking spot, he goes down and attaches the boot to Parking-Space-Taker's tire.
When Parking-Space-Taker comes back, Asshat tells them he will remove the boot for $100.
He then believes Parking-Space-Taker will just hand over a hundred bones and NOT CALL THE FUCKING COPS.

I shit you not. He really tried to talk the boss into doing this. And the thing that annoys me the most is that this has only happened like 2 or 3 times. It's NOT like someone steals his spot on a regular basis. I really hate this guy. If I were the boss I'd say "Aww, somebody took your spot? You wanna bitch about it, huh? Huh? Well, guess what- NO SPOT FOR YOU. I'm going to give that parking space to our fine receptionist." Goddamn pompous Asshat. And he's rubbing his hands together and practically salivating and saying "Yeah, yeah- this is a good way to make some money! Yeah, a little pocket change on the side, teach people not to park in my spot, Yeahhh." I really really hate this guy.

Anyway, that's all. This has been a really really long-ass week.

Anybody wanna hang this weekend?? I'm up for pretty much anything (so long as my shmoogie-oogums can come along)

Posted by bandvamp01 at 4:07 PM EDT

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